The Ghosts of Decisions Past
Nov 17, 2013

Banishing regrets, or fears, of what has come before

Despite the pressures levied by our youth-oriented society, I am very much enjoying my 40s. This is the moment in life where you stop making excuses for what you do, or have done in the past. You feel more self-possessed, capable, in your skin. And that is never a bad thing.

My 20s were incredibly liberating. Whether it was youthful stupidity or the fearlessness that comes from feeling immortal, I can honestly say that I left very few stones unturned, personally or professionally, in that decade. I went from feeling like life was happening to me to a better command of the power that I had in steering opportunity in my direction. I chased every lead and risk that sounded sexy. Had the audacity to quit my good corporate job not once, but TWICE, in pursuit of some combination of creativity and freedom that best suited my spirit. Moved to NYC for a while. Started my own business. Breathed the rarified air of low-level celebrity and high-paced artistry. It was a total blast!

In my 30s, things became a little realer. With age comes expectations and more material desires. The enthusiasm you carry into your ventures is tempered somewhat with the reality of the expenses involved in making dreams happen. I had a car repossessed, had to move a couple of times because rent and my self-employed contractor lifestyle didn't always mesh. But that didn't suppress the underlying passion for what I was born to do. Money and moral support came from the most unlikely sources, and from those who define the most beautiful aspects of family and friends. I was on and off planes as much as I could muster: leading workshops, making media appearances and performing on stages around the world. Boston. Denver. St Louis. Phoenix. Atlanta. Los Angeles. Singapore, even. And I was teaching a lot. Fully enjoying the access I had to mold young minds who also wanted to test the limits of their world and put their dreams in motion. What an honor and a privilege.

Today, I embrace the challenges that put the dream and its execution into balance. There are pieces of business that I left incomplete a few years back that need to be shut down for good. The circumstances are inconsequential. What matters is that I cannot fully step into my grown womanness while I've got a few lingering matters from girlhood left unresolved. No threat of dissolution, dissuasion, or other detraction is allowed now. As astrologer Rob Brezsny consistently reminds us, we must operate from a mindset of pronoia. Pronoia: the belief that The Universe is consistently conspiring to shower you with opportunity and blessings. And now I'm old enough to know that pronoia is ultimately effective when you have a work ethic to match the efforts that the Universe puts forth on your behalf. No handouts. No unrequited benefits. Just vision, prayer and sweat. The rest works itself out in the end. Then the things that want to boo and go bump in the night lose all credibility. Stars shine brightest in the dark.

Here is last week's playlist:

  • War - Edwin Starr
  • Cold War [Wondamix] - Janelle Monaé
  • 25:15 - Bobby McFerrin
  • Vieux Carre - Trombone Shorty
  • Love Warriors - Tuck & Patti
  • Say You Will rmx - Res, Ab Liva & Talib Kweli
  • Let's Get Married - Al Green
  • If There Ain't Nothing - Res
  • Nothing More To Say - David Ryan Harris
  • Bad Habits - Maxwell
  • She Got To You - Esperanza Spalding
  • The Future - Guy
  • Drama - Erykah Badu
  • You're My Everything - Robert Glasper Experiment ft Bilal & Jazmine Sullivan
  • Can You Stand The Rain - New Edition
  • Yet To Find - Robert Glasper Experiment ft Anthony Hamilton
  • Speak Low (live) - Sammy Davis Jr.
  • Nothing In The Middle (live) - Rachelle Ferrell
  • Temptation - Follow For Now
  • Forget Regret - The rH Factor ft Stephanie McKay
  • Candela - Buena Vista Social Club
  • Pick Somebody Up - Raul Midón
  • Chicken Grease - D'Angelo
  • Shelter - John Legend
  • See Where You Are - Amel Larrieux
  • Whatever You Want - N'Dea Davenport
  • As - Anthony Hamilton & Marsha Ambrosius
  • Attack Me With Your Love - Cameo
  • Greater Than The Sun - ZO! ft Phonte
  • Lush Life - José James & Jef Neve
  • Spread Love - Take 6
  • Say That To Say This - Trombone Shorty
  • I Want Your Love - Chic
  • Trust - Robert Glasper Experiment ft Marsha Ambrosius